Happy Halloween

I am posting today because I am sure I won't be able to post tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow is Halloween. I've been thinking a lot about baby E. Wondering if she is going to dress up, wondering if she is going to have a good Halloween. I am going to sound like "the Grinch" of Halloween; but I have decided, I am not even going to hand out candy this year. The husband is gone, and I am just not in the mood to do anything. Tomorrow is the meeting between the parents and my hubs. I've been praying for everything to go well. We haven't heard anything anything about the baby; since CASA couldn't be there for the last visitation day. DH is requesting a bonding visitation without the bio parents, he feels we would feel more comfortable if they're not around. If they do approve it, that would mean dh would spend two hours with baby E. I am also praying for that. I am looking forward for tomorrow to see my students dressed up, they were so happy today, sharing with each other what they were going to be for Halloween. I was not going to dress up; but I can't do that to them. They have been asking me if I am dressing up since last month. Today I went to Walmart and got them some snacks and some Halloween treats...its kind of hard to find treats for 90 kids... But I am sure they'll love it.
Gosh, can't wait for tomorrow!!! Can't wait to find out the parents decision tomorrow. For some reason that pain in my chest is gone, I guess I feel more confident now. I know that the parents haven't shown any progress in this last month. I thought since the court day is getting closer they were going to try everything possible to get the baby back, I guess I was wrong.
If they don't make a decision while dh is over there, we'll have to wait too see what the judge says.

The Longest Week Ever....

Well, yesterday hubby called and left a message to his sister to let her know that he would be in TX next week and that he was going to pick her and the baby's dad so they could go eat something and talk. They didn't call back, so we don't know what's going to happen. I have to say that this couple of nights have been very hard on me. I am having problems getting some sleep, so I feel exhausted through out the day. I feel like I can't function any more. I am just so nervous. I told the husband last night that I feel like I have a hole in my chest, because that's how it feels like. It's a horrible sensation. I just hope this week goes by fast and we can have an idea of what's going to happen and when is going to happen.
We have got several invitations for Thanksgiving's dinner, we are thinking that baby E will be here by then. That would be great. I love my job and I love my students but I am looking forward for some time off work and spending time with the hubby and baby E. I think we need to stay home and bond with her for a few weeks.
Wow, can you believe that in only 59 more days it will be Christmas??? I can't wait. This either will be the happiest Xmas for us or the saddest. We are hoping for the Best Xmas. We have been adding things to baby E Xmas list. We've added a little table with two little chairs, a pretend kitchen, a toy called little town and we are still looking for a tea set appropriate for her age and a lot more to come. I want to go shopping for winter clothes for her; but since we already have a few, we want to wait until we know for sure the day she is coming home.
I've been calling our Social Worker today to find out about our fingerprints and the reference letters; but she hasn't call me back. I hope she can schedule our visit for next week. That's all we need for the placement. I can't believe we are almost there!!!!

I Am a Mess

Even though things are looking really good for us, I can help but feel scared. I feel down and nervous. A part of me remains sad and hopeless, why? Is this normal? The husband got his plane ticket today to see the baby. He will be meeting with his sister and the baby's dad. I've been so stressed out, making sure everything goes perfect. He is going to have an hour visitation with the baby and I am thinking about the things I'll be sending with him, so she can play and have little snacks. I want to go so bad, but need to save that money because in less than a month the two of us have to fly to TX again. I feel so sad that I am not going to get to see her this time. I've been moody and sad today. I should feel happy right? Is the first time the husband is going to meet the baby. I am sure they'll do fine. The Hubby is also going to meet with the social worker, the parents and CASA. I hope only good things happen while he is over there.
We'll have to wait and see...that's only a week away from today.
Today I got a phone call from the Foster/Adoption agency and they have scheduled our appointment with us three days before the hearing in Texas. Wow, It seems like we'll have a very busy month of November. I also have my CPR/First Aid training the 1st of November and hubby has to get his as soon as he gets back. I am working on a positive attitude so I can have a great weekend with the husband, I haven't seen him in two weeks.

Meeting One Month Before Hearing

At exactly one month before the Placement Hearing, CPS, CASA and the baby's parents had a meeting. This meeting took place at the parent's house. The meeting was to discuss any progress in their part. CPS did some investigation about the status of the dad's work and apparently he has missed 12 days of work and he started this job about one month ago or maybe a little less than that. CPS investigated the real reason of the mother hurting her arm and found out something completely different to what she had said earlier in her report. In other words they haven't complete the case plan and they still have a lot to do before any progress is considered from their part. We are trying to keep contact with the parents; but they don't have a phone and when we leave messages with the grandma, they never get the messages. My husband is planning a trip over there to sit down and talk sense into the parents about the right thing to do before it is too late. We are looking for the best thing for the baby. We want to keep her within family and we have told the parents that we are never going to cut communication between the baby and them. But the time is almost up and they have to decide what they really want to do; because the baby is already attached to her foster mom and if they don't act now, It will be harder at the end. We have been very busy making sure everything is ready before the court day. We are dealing with four different agencies right now. A lot of paper work, a lot of classes a lot of phone calls to make. Now, all we can do is pray and wait....

Getting Ready for the Baby

Here at home while we waited for the ICPC paperwork, we were supposed to child proof our home before the baby can be placed with us. We cleaned the entire house, we got rid of all the things we don't really use anymore and emptied one of the rooms. Shorty after that we got the crib, strollers, toys, baby clothes, we put safety locks on the kitchen cabinets. We checked the mail two times a day waiting for the ICPC papers so we could say that the process began. We called CPS to check on the papers; but we never got answers. Finally, CASA told us that the social worker in charge of our care was no longer there; but she re assured us that the CPS supervisor was going to make sure those papers were sent to the ICPC here in CA. It took about two weeks for ICPC to get the papers and once they got here, it took about another 2 days for us to get the packet. The packet consisted in about 30 something pages and a big questionnaire that we both needed to answer. It took us about 3 days to get the packet ready and mail it.
The week after we had our first meeting with CCLD, It lasted about 5 hours and basically they explain to us the foster/adoption process and how to send the application. That class was on a Saturday, the week after we got the paper work for the fingerprints and with the information about our new social worker in California. We got the papers on a Tuesday and we got our fingerprints done that Thursday at the Hemet CPS office. The Social Worker told us that she had sent all the reference letters and that as soon as she gets them back and the results of the fingerprints she was going to schedule an interview. That same week we sent the Foster/Adoption certificate ( copies ) to CASA in Texas and we added a little gift for the baby.
The week after that CASA got the package and schedule a visit so she could give the baby the gifts we sent her. We got pictures of the baby opening her gifts. Priceless...

Seeing her for the first time

After court the arrange us a visitation with the baby. I was very excited, I couldn't wait. We went to the CPS office with the baby's parents and while we were waiting for the Foster mom to show up with the baby, the social worker did a little interview to me and asked the baby's parents to give me some information about the baby. About 20 minutes later, Foster mom showed up with the baby. OMG! When I saw her, It was the best feeling ever. She seemed happy, healthy and full of energy. So little, so innocent. The first thing I did was hug her. I couldn't believe it was finally happening, she was in front of me and it was a hundred time better than I was expecting. I went on the floor to play with her. She is so curious, I noticed how she likes to open stuff, if something had a lid, she wanted to open it. She went a few times to her baby bag and kept getting stuff out. She found some lotion and she prefer that lotion over any other toy in the room. She also liked a book, she passed the pages and looked at the pictures several times. She danced, she smiled and she make doggie sounds. I swear I was in La la land, she is perfect. I got to spend an hour with her and her parents. That day the air conditioning wasn't working and it was very hot in that little room. At the time of saying good bye the baby's dad gave her to me and I gave her a kiss and a big hug and I told her how much her uncle and I love her. When foster mom came to get her she seemed happy to go with her, on the way out she waved at us good bye. I swear I am never going to forget that. I get all teary eyed when I think about it....

The Status Hearing

For the Status Hearing I had to fly to Texas by myself because my husband had training that same week and he couldn't miss that. Then I flew to Texas I was anxious, it was hard for me to sit still. My mother-in-law picked me up from the airport around 8am. After that we went to an appointment she had with the chiropractor. Right after that we went to her place so she could pick up some of the stuff she needed for the trip. We drove all day that day, it was raining and you your barely see the road. Since I was on a red eye flight I was very tired, I was trying to keep my eyes open but it was hard. When my mother-in-law saw me, she told me that it was OK if I wanted to lay the seat back and take a nap. I felt bad, but I wasn't going to be able to stay awake for the rest of the trip. From my mother-in law's house to the hotel the trip was about 3 hours or at least I felt like that, maybe a little bit more than that. We stopped to eat something, then we stopped at this hotel and right when we entered we had to exit and ask for a refund, I don't think I have to tell you the details... Then we finally found a better hotel around the area, very close to the courthouse. That night we were too tired to go visit anybody. The following day, with more energy we went to visit my brother-in-law's wife and his kids, my other sister-in-law that was in foster care and we met one of my mother-in-law's good friend for lunch.
My mother-in-law thought there was a possibility of me being able to take the baby with me after court so we went to Walmart and she got her a car seat, diapers, clothes, etc
After that we headed back to the hotel to meet with the CASA lady. When I saw her, she was a lot different from how I picture her before, very pretty lady and with a pretty smile. She wanted to interview my mother-in-law , and I have to say that I was shocked after all the things I heard. I felt there's a lot I don't know about my husband's family.
After the interview we went to bed, I was exhausted and I knew I needed to rest because the next day was the day of the hearing.
The next morning, I was a wreck, I was so nervous that I couldn't even swallow my breakfast. We got to court early, I think we were the first ones there. While we were there we could see all the lawyers, CPS personnel, CASA people getting ready. Finally, we saw the baby's parents arriving with the grandma. I didn't recognize my sister-in-law, she looked like she had lost a lot of weight and their appearance wasn't very healthy. They came to us and say hi and My sister-in-law gave my mother-in-law a big hug. After that they sat in the bench right behind us. They presented two cases before they presented ours. When they called their case, you could barely hear what they were saying. Suddenly I heard my name, they wanted me approach the judge. They asked me to state my name, then CPS and CASA told the judge our intentions and the judge told the parents that if they didn't complete their plan by the next court hearing, the baby will we placed with us, they agreed. The judge ordered for a home study to be expedited for us for this possible placement....

The Phone Call

I remember it was on a Friday evening while I waited for my husband to get off from work, he calls me on his way home. He told me that he had been talking to his mom and she told him that back in June 21 my sister-in-law's baby was taking away from her by CPS based on child neglect accusations. He wanted me to ask me if it was OK if we could try to get custody of her. At first I was shocked, I didn't know what to say... I took me a few seconds to come back and tell him Yes!!! we need to try and contact CPS in Texas and let them know that we are family and we are here. Gosh, too bad we found out on a Friday evening, that means we needed to wait until Monday so we could call CPS in Texas and get any information. I swear that was the longest weekend of my live, all I could think about was the baby. Before that I only saw her in pictures that the baby's grandma e-mailed us. She is the cutest baby ever and had my husband's eyes, same hair color. On that Monday I woke up very early and since Texas has 2 hours ahead of our time I called CPS when it was 6am here, so 8am over there. I couldn't get hold of anyone then; but I was able to leave a message and shortly after we got the first phone call.
We got the first phone call was from Julie an advocate from the program CASA in Texas. She is very nice and shows interest in the baby and what happens to her. I explained to her that we had just find out about the removal of the baby from her home and that we wanted to do whatever we needed to do to get her out of the system. CASA told me that the baby was in Foster Care since the removal and also told me that her Foster mom was a very nice lady, that cares about her and wanted to adopt her. I told her that I was happy to hear that; but that we are family and we are also interested in bringing the baby home with us and keep her within family. CASA gave me all the details of the next hearing court, The Status Hearing and we did all the arrangements for me to fly over there a few days before the court day. I kept constant communication with CASA and a few other calls to CPS, called the biological parents lawyers, talked to the biological parents, the baby's grandma, and called CPS here in California to get more information. We had a few talks to the baby's parents and at that time, they agreed that the best thing for them to do was to let us have the custody of the baby, because that way the baby was going to stay with family and they were going to keep some kind of communication with her....

Losing Hope

And who doesn't? After several years trying and nothing, I started to feel like Is never going to happen. I cry over this every night, I can't understand why this is happening to us. We are good people. After trying everything we could like, buying vitamins and pills that promise you a miracle, buying books, trying different positions, different diets, praying, praying and praying... nothing... If you have been in this situation then you know how it feels, if you haven't then please don't tell me that its going to happen when you least expect, because I just have to say, that is not going to make me feel any better. I hate when someone says that to me. We tried to get the insurance to approve us to a different clinic, but it seems they have something against us.
The husband and I were having a lot of fights because all the stress this was causing here at home. Our sex life was so planned that it wasn't even fun to have sex anymore. It kind of felt like it was a "must do" instead of a "may do". Even though having a child is the thing I want the most in life, I didn't want to destroy my marriage. So I decided that the best thing to do was to take a break. Go back to our normal lives, no more charting, no more pregnancy tests, no more ovulation kits, no more vitamins, no more timing sex. I think things went back to normal right after that; but inside of me I felt my heart was breaking in two.
I started taking care of my self, using progesterone to control my hormones because they were out of control, started to spend more time studying. Then when we " least expected "....

Fighting our Insurance

Another obstacle that we had when we were seeking for medical help was our insurance. Well, the weird part is that Tricare would cover anything I need; but then when my husband wants to get something done, it is almost impossible. It took us a while to find a good clinic where they had the fertility treatments we needed. Once we found one, they gave us an appointment; but we needed to wait almost three months. You can imagine myself counting the days to go see this new Dr. Well the day before our appointment I re read the letter and see that the insurance picked the wrong Dr for me. The letter was for me to see an OB.... Wait a minute an OB??? WTH??? I have an OB, why in the hell would I want to go see another OB.... I burst ed in tears, I was devastated, even though I made phone calls to see if I could still go to my appointment, There was nothing I could do, unless I was able to pay for the consultation out of pocket. I was about to go and pay for it, but my husband convinced me that we could wait a little longer and see what could we do. About one week after that, I get a letter from the insurance saying that the approved 3 visits for me to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist, I swear I wanted to frame that letter, I've heard of REs before but I know I was going to see one....As soon as I got the letter I called to set an appointment. I was really excited about this one! The day of the appointment, I can remember walking inside the building, it was at the Loma linda Center, or something like that. When I entered the office, I was the only one waiting at the waiting room, the lady at the front desk was very nice. After filling out a questionnaire that had like a million questions, the called me inside one of the rooms. On my way over there I saw the lab, where I believe is where the keep the embryos for the IVF and they do the Sperm Analysis. Another nice lady gave me a robe and asked me to change my clothes and wait for the doctor in the room. My heart was beating so fast. When I saw the Dr I felt so relieved, then a student walked in the room and the Dr explained to me that the guy was a student and he was going to be doing all the tests under his supervision. After all the tests, the Dr asked me to change and meet him at the other room. When I talked to this Dr I felt like it was going to happen, I was finally going to get pregnant. He told me that the next thing to do was to bring my husband for some testing and then after that we was going to decide which treatment was going to be best for us. I walked away feeling positive and happy until the insurance sent us a letter saying that they didn't approve my husband to go see my new Dr in Loma Linda... You can imagine how I felt about it...

Clomid

Yes, Clomid... I am sure you have heard of it. For some reason it can be the miracle pill, but for us was a waste of time. All the tests showed I was Ovulating but I thought it would be great to increase my chances. I heard a lot of stories about Clomid. Things like: You are going to feel so sick after taking this pill, you are going to experience hot flushes, nausea, mood swings, etc. I didn't have any symptoms. I felt completely normal after taking my 5 pills. After my ovulation day I went to my Dr so he could monitor my cycle, I was really excited when they told me that they were going to do an ultrasound, I was hoping that the Dr would tell me " there he/she is" there's your baby" I can remember the Dr just staying quiet looking at the screen and not saying anything and inside of me I was hoping he would give me good news. But nothing, not baby there, just an empty uterus. Dr told me to call the 1st day of my period so he could give me another prescription for Clomid, same mg, same days. Second cycle almost the same story but something exciting happened!!!! A BFEvaropation line... so real but so fake. Took another pregnancy test ( a better brand ) stark white. After that cycle my Dr didn't want to prescribe me Clomid, I was so sad. He thought that the problem could be my husband.... and I would tell you more about it on the next post.

A Short Introduction

Well, a little about me....
Since I remember, I always knew I wanted to be a mom, always knew that what I wanted in life was to have my own family. For some reason I kind of knew that I was going to have problems conceiving, I don't really know how to explain how I knew this; but I just knew. Even when I was younger in my immature mind all I wanted was to get pregnant and have a baby, I know it would it been very immature of me, since I wasn't ready for it. I got married in June of 2005 and of course I didn't want to wait a second longer to finally to start trying to expand our family. Some people would it tell I was crazy for not waiting; but I knew what I wanted and no one was going to make me change my mind. After only a few months of trying I knew there was something wrong, I knew that a healthy couple would it got pregnant by now. So, the first thing I did was to get an appointment with an OB. Of course her answer was: " You are way too young to think about that" HELLO.... are you kidding me? also she told me that I had to wait at least a year so they could consider me for infertility treatments. So I went to see a different Dr. I feel bad for this but I had to lie to my new Dr. I had to tell him that I was trying to conceive for over a year and nothing. This new Dr. didn't seem to mind " I looked too young" yes, I was 25 but apparently I looked like 17 or 18. New Dr. wanted to test me for everything, he found two cysts in my ovaries and recommend for me to take birth control for at least three months. After taking the birth control I thought for sure I was going to get pregnant right away; but no It didn't happened like that. We started monitoring all my cycles, spent a lot of money buying ovulation kits, basal thermometers, pregnancy tests, vitamins, etc. It has been a Pain in the Behind going through all this but I would tell you more about it in the next posts...